Who designed this rubbish ?

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w3stie
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Post by w3stie » Wed May 07, 2008 11:52 am

My vote goes to the FB Holden, my first car. They were manufactured from old barges which explained it's tendency to rust overnight and also why it didn't do corners. The steering wheel operated in an advisory capacity only, and I had the car for two weeks before I realised the big dial behind the wheel was a speedo. I thought it was a metronome. The warning lights didn't, and the (ahem) wipers would stop mid-wipe if you touched the accelerator. I couldn't figure this out. I thought they were pointing to danger. This turned out to be true especially on dark rainy nights. The seats were made in a trampoline factory, and with the careful rhythmic application and release of the throttle a nice harmonic motion could be established. The metronome was useful here. It paid to keep both hands on the wheel though, for security and also in case passers-by got the wrong impression as to the cause of the bouncing. There were no seat belts. Why would you want to spend an extra second in a car like that.

Then there was the EH. The holes in the floor let engine fumes in, but that kept the cockroaches down. (I'm not kidding)

Then an LC Torana. A small mobile museum of rounded bolts from around the world.

I have never had another Holden since. Never will!

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Dr Goggles
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Location: Right behind you Chief !

gold....

Post by Dr Goggles » Wed May 07, 2008 12:35 pm

hey
Then an LC Torana. A small mobile museum of rounded bolts from around the world.


that was truly beautiful.....

It's true , Mr Ackerman and an LC never met . A friend of mine thrashed one( it was known as the Torana-saurus) to a gig south of Wodonga, fast as it would go to get there....unloaded his gear and when he went to drive it away to park it the rack disintegrated......he doesn't know much about cars but rates that high on his close escapes.........

let me see....Ackerman , ah yes......

A) Named after Rudolf Ackerman, this angle defines the correct angle that steering wheels must have to effeciently negotiate a turn. In a standard turn, the wheel on the inside of the turning radius must follow a more severely curved line than the outside wheel. By setting steering arms, one can successfully adjust the turning angle so that the inside tire turns at a larger angle than the outside. This results in better traction around the turn.
...few understand what I'm trying to do , but they vastly outnumber those who understand why..

Rob
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Post by Rob » Wed May 07, 2008 1:28 pm

What about the Haflinger?? They made a Moke look positively luxurious. Their saving grace was their 4wd ability and I bailed out of the mates more than once on a shooting trip fearing the worst.

Image

Rob

grumm441
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Post by grumm441 » Thu May 08, 2008 12:04 am

OK , I had a mishap on the way to do a night shift last week. My ute blew a cooling line off the auto and called it quits 200m from work. Cutting it fine time wise and in clothes which I didn't want to use to mop up trannie fluid


Then you rang me, and I although had a skinful of piss and was under the affluence of incherhol , but could work my interweb enough to find the yellowpages.

Anyhows, unlike me who seems to be able to buy a car that suddenly becomes a classic. My Dad, member number 668...(the neighbour of thebeast) has an amazing ability to buy lemons
After the Renault 8, the next family car was an austin tasman, the poor mans kimberly. I seem to remember it was two tone. Purple and beige. It's end came one day when the front left wheel fell off with the wishbone still connected . Next a datsun 260c auto. Now before I discovered that you could put a V8 in anything and if you painted it and the engine bay that it was in black, and stamped the corolla engine number on it you could get away with any engine conversion. I discovered that there was in fact a car that was slower than a ke20 corolla. and that was a datsun 260c.
As for rubbish
One of my customers turned up today in his newly registered Borgward Isabella??????
When he registered it, vicroads told him that there were now two of them registered in Victoria
He needed some trim bits for it that are made of wood(something nice to look at while you are waiting for the tow truck) and the only guys who do the bits he needs are in Germany and they are available for the paltry sum of 3000 euros
Image
So I'm just going to nip down to the milkbar on my heinkel scooter and
Image
get another bottle of cola to help with my
They make it
I make it work

David Leikvold
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more crap

Post by David Leikvold » Thu May 08, 2008 12:05 am

Hey Bob, check your PMs.
And continuing the Leyland theme, the never released Force 7, the two door P76 hardtop, was a spectacular failure even in pre-production. I watched one day as they loaded up the seat belt anchorages, the top one was in the no B pillar roof and when a crash load was applied it pulled the roof halfway down to the bodyline. Which of course meant the driver's face hit the steering wheel. The nose cone was made of plastic that within a couple of weeks of being exposed to the sun had warped and sagged very badly and couldn't be fixed. The side windows were almost as high as the doors so when they were wound up there was not enough glass still in the door. At 80mph the side glass would apparently cave in on the front seat occupants. There was also a station wagon but only a few were ever made and never shown to anyone. They must have been really awful!
In about 1978 we were still kicking on in much reduced form and we imported one Austin Allegro for some consideration. It had the Austin 1800 engine and gearbox but, God bless 'em, the Pommies had finally realised that nobody cared about the few inches saved by jamming the motor into a too small engine bay and they just added 6" of space all round the engine bay. An engine could have been pulled in about 20 minutes, which given the crap engine, probably wasn't a bad idea.
During this period of working on nothing but Leyland a mate from school asked me to help him change the speedo cable on his mum's HR. I wasn't keen because Leyland speedos were a misery. I couldn't believe the HR. When he opened the bonnet I could see the ground, I could see the gearbox and the speedo cable coming from it all the way to the firewall. I thought "it's bound to be a pig under the dash" but no, I could see it all the way to the speedo too. I could have done the job with a pair of stilsons! What a revelation. Cars didn't have to be all jammed up to save a few inches, no wonder nobody wanted to buy our crap! Holden is now celebrating 60 years, Leyland was a goner 30 years ago.
Good, Fast, Cheap, pick any two!

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Lynchy
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Post by Lynchy » Thu May 08, 2008 9:52 am

....anyone care to comment on the Nissan Pintara


I had a Pintara wagon as a company car many years ago. It was like driving a boat from a lounge chair! The seats were very squishy but not so good on a long trip and the suspension seemed to lack shock absorbers and sway bars. Being the innocent young trainee at the time I was surprised that no one wanted it - then I drove it - and found that I was stuck with it for a year. A truly horrible car.

The first company car I had was a Gemini panel van. I started as a trainee and almost fell over when they told me I was getting it. It was the spare car that was used whenever another was in for a service and it is true what they say about company cars the floor is shaped exactly like an ash tray. It took me a week to clean it up and it never lost the smell - good car though!

The first car I ever owned was an XW GT - wish I never sold it, I'd sell it now!!

Lynchy

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Dr Goggles
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things we do.....

Post by Dr Goggles » Thu May 08, 2008 11:11 am

I worked for a bloke for a while who walked mostly on the dark side when it came to automotive design .He sold bits for Jags and Volvos which in itself made for an interesting day because there are far more similarities between chalk and cheese than Jags and Volvos , everything one was the other wasn't.Bob was also kind of unconventional , that said he was a very funny man who appreciated irony ,which was just as well. He never drove Volvos unless everything else he had was off the road...despite having the good old trade plate which he took as free license to travel in anything that ran sometimes he'd have to resort to a 244. Bob loved all sorts of cars....he had a couple of landcrabs, one of them was a ute, he'd had dozens of Austin 7's he had an obsession with the P76 , people would dump them at his yard ....he had a moke , he had a two-stroke push-bike that he used when he did his brief for DUI which I called the Trans-Bob-Ulator and he of course had an unending supply of rusting ,leaking, rotten upholstered XJ6 ( and the odd V12 ) "Yag you R's".Sometimes we'd get an XJ and pull off the head to find that it had not one...but TWO holed pistons.....now that doesn't happen simultaeneously.....people would be so broke from the continual expense of keeping them on the road that in the end they'd end up driving them around with a holed slug , til another one went ....then they'd borrow money from their mum to buy a 120y for a hundred bucks and push the Jag under a tree for ten years before they gave it to Bob.

One day an XJ was getting dropped off a flat bed , it was one of the rustiest cars I've ever seen...it must have been parked under a tree and wet for for the previous twenty years...I was just about to say "I hope it doesn't disintegrate before we get it off the street" when Bob said " look at it, they're a beautiful car aren't they?" :lol: :lol:

....I haven't even started yet
...few understand what I'm trying to do , but they vastly outnumber those who understand why..

DON NOBLE
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Post by DON NOBLE » Thu May 08, 2008 5:03 pm

Lynchy wrote:
....anyone care to comment on the Nissan Pintara


I had a Pintara wagon as a company car many years ago. ........ A truly horrible car.

The first company car I had was a Gemini panel van. .......... good car though!

Lynchy


Mr Lynch please wash your mouth out regarding comments on the Nissan Pintara wagon , which is a full sister to my red Nissan Skyline Wagon , and a cousin of Nissan Cedric . Your complaints regarding seats and shockies , well its all part of the adventure :lol:

Comments on gemini fair , bought one new in 1982 , had it for 10 yrs and about 250000 kms
NOW LIVE IN NEW ZEALAND
RED NISSAN WAGON 1986 # 281
2002 F/PRO 125.4 MPH RECORD
2003 F/PRO 140.2 MPH RECORD
2005 F/GC 137.9 MPH RECORD
2006 F/GC 141.1 MPH RECORD
1/4 mile ( drags ) @ Willowbank 14.15 @ 97.61 mph August 2006

momec
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Post by momec » Sat May 10, 2008 9:35 am

Well Goggles, you,ve really started the funniest thread this time.
I've been a mechanic for 32 years and often think i,ve seen every sh"tbox under the sun. About the third week of my apprenticshit in comes this Austin 1800 automatic. G&O change so drop the oil into about a 5 liter container and go and have smoko while she drains. The bloody things held 18 pints. Arse reamed again. :oops:
Worked in a new Ford dealershit in Alexandra. (now closed so the miserable old coot can't sue me)
He was so tight him and his missus would drive to broadmeadows to pick up each new Falcon instead of paying for transport. The old pr"ck would disconnect the speedo and drive them back.
The showroom was small so each morning I'd start 1 XE up and run it 15 feet out the front so you could walk around the other one. Once a week one valve would nip up in the guide and drop out a push rod so would have to remove the cover and belt the top of the valve with a soft hammer. This happened to each new Falcon until sold.
This was an old dealership dating back to T models and the drain from the lube bay went straight out the back to the creek.
Acme Racing #251

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Dr Goggles
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....there is no end to this

Post by Dr Goggles » Sat May 10, 2008 11:55 pm

and I had the car for two weeks before I realised the big dial behind the wheel was a speedo. I thought it was a metronome.

.....but at least they looked cool, hang on...you're talking about the needle...the one I was familiar with was the orange band that moved around the speedo...didn't mean it was anymore accurate though...another great feature of the FB was the "stars" headlining. That pretty much summed it up ...on the down side ...the wrap around screen !!, indicators were optional on utes....."Aw , nah , mostly straight roads out where we are digger , I'm not gonna be passin' anybody and the only place I'm going to be turning is into our drive and everyone around here knows where we live so why would I want blinkers?....they're for city types."

The warning lights didn't, and the (ahem) wipers would stop mid-wipe if you touched the accelerator. I couldn't figure this out. I thought they were pointing to danger. This turned out to be true especially on dark rainy nights. The warning lights didn't, and the (ahem) wipers would stop mid-wipe if you touched the accelerator. I couldn't figure this out. I thought they were pointing to danger. This turned out to be true especially on dark rainy nights.


You can just imagine the genius who thought up the vacuum wiper motor at a 1950's BBQ bragging about what he does at work....slowly everybody realises that the reason their wipers don't work is because of this guy....the news report ..."Man found murdered after back yard BBQ with vacuum cleaner and squeegee wounds"

. The seats were made in a trampoline factory,

...what, when you sat on the edge of them they pulled the hairs out of the back of your , er, legs? :lol:

and with the careful rhythmic application and release of the throttle a nice harmonic motion could be established. The metronome was useful here. It paid to keep both hands on the wheel though, for security and also in case passers-by got the wrong impression as to the cause of the bouncing


I had a habit of driving past my mates when they were sitting out the front of a share house we lived in years ago drinking stubbies....I'd be in the 173 HQ 3speed wagon in 2nd gear rhythmically booting it so it would get a severe case of the kangaroo hops, slumped in the seat head flopping backwards and bouncing off the headrest each time............ So ,I was always curious as to why it broke an axle at 2am on Christmas morning in the car park next to Luna Park , my girlfriend was very, very understanding at the time :roll: :roll: .
...few understand what I'm trying to do , but they vastly outnumber those who understand why..

David Leikvold
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aftermarket

Post by David Leikvold » Sun May 11, 2008 9:50 am

Speaking of close calls (Torana rack breaking) my Cooper "S" was my club racer as well as my road car. It had the Bond roll bar, the 45mm Weber, the stage 3 head job (as the actress said to the bishop) and lots and lots of other mods including adjustable front suspension from a mob in Sydney who shall remain nameless. The work was, shall we say, less than perfect.
The standard lower control arm was H section with rubber bushes at each end. The mod was done by cutting the middle out of the arm, filling the H with weld metal then cutting a thread on each half, obviously LH and RH threads. Then a steel centre piece was made. The radius rod was a lot simpler, they just ran a die down the rod and extended the original rolled thread another inch or so. I fitted this stuff and drove around for a couple of years with the front end sitting gently on the bump stops. One afternoon as I pulled into my driveway I heard a loud clunk and the car wouldn't steer. The LH radius rod had snapped in the cut thread section. I replaced the lot with standard parts and the car was no different. There will be no cut threads in anything critical on the Celica!
Good, Fast, Cheap, pick any two!

Rob
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Post by Rob » Sun May 11, 2008 11:21 am

Ah yes, the Mini, I had a '62 van, too small for shagging, sliding rather than wind up windows and that magic wand of a gear stick eminating from the firewall. You put the knob into whatever gear you wanted a magically the rest followed suit shortly thereafter. I had a Mk2 Cooper S too though 100% standard, wish I still had it today with the price of fuel.

Stretching off topic a tad, back in the late '70s one of the mates had a supercharged 1310 (Mini) on methanol down at Bexley North. Maximum range was 10 miles, 5 out, 5 back and it's probably just as well!! :wink:

Rob
I owe, I owe, so off to work I go.

David Leikvold
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well?

Post by David Leikvold » Sun May 11, 2008 12:19 pm

Hey Rob, what are you doing with '34 rails when you should be tank building?
Good, Fast, Cheap, pick any two!

momec
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Post by momec » Sun May 11, 2008 1:37 pm

Had my lisence a few months and finally convinced mum to lend me the family HG sedan for sat night.
Some stage in the evening one of the six mates in the car decided to teach me how to flat change the 3 on the tree. 2nd to 3rd worked a treat, hold her flat and just breeze the clutch while you slammed it through.

It stood up till about 2am on the way home and tore the whole shooten match and half the honey pot off the column.
Mother was not amused. Didn't get the HG again.

Happy Mothers day Mum
Chris
Acme Racing #251

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BOB ELLIS
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Post by BOB ELLIS » Sun May 11, 2008 3:30 pm

Thankyou Chris , Just what mum always wanted , another F'n broken honey pot!No wonder you didn't get the HG again , ya mum probly thought you were out with a girl , not 5 blokes :oops: A bit more rubbish! Last century, as a young lad in Cambridge NZ (where the cool guys had 100E Prefects,and the Not so cool guys had Morrie Minors),went off to the Stockcars at Forestlake (only 15,with licence!) with a bunch of mates in the car,get home early (about 1.00 AM) and am INSTANTLY in Trouble!Mates Mums ringing my folks,"WHERE IS MY SON?" Big trouble.Dad takes keys off No1 son,(got spare set HaHa) Come home,car on blocks no wheels,HaHa ,ring Bevan (he just put mags on his 100E,got 4 spare wheels!) , go out to Hamilton that night,got busted doing a browneye to an off duty COP and his missus & kid! Cop takes all our names , addesses etc.Tells us to go home and tell our parents,he'll be in touch!Wake the old man up at midnight,tell him story,go to bed.Get up in morning (hungover),Mum in kitchen,"That's so good you came home and told your father you got in trouble,But what's a BROWNEYE?,THE hardest thing i ever had to explain to my mum! Happy Mums day to all the mums in DLRA land. Cheers , Bob. #66 C/GCC.

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